The Relevant Monk

Today I am thinking of my big brother, because it is his birthday. I am older now than he ever was, and yet he is still out there ahead of me, experiencing things I can only imagine.

I wrote what follows about him shortly after he died. Out of the valley of the shadow of death I had to say something about his life.

My Prince Brother
King Dowell
of my little world.
We sailed seas of green
on picnic table ships,
You-the Captain of our fate,
Treader of Unknown Waters, before me…
Turning back, you called me on–
Safe passage little sister!

My gentle Warrior Brother
King Dowell of my little world.
You grabbed snakes
with bare hands,
stepped on nails and never cried,
ran into shadows before me…
Turning back, you called me on–
Keep up little sister!

My Hero Shining Brother
King Dowell
of my little world,
Captain of our fate,
Treader of Unknown Waters,
Runner into Shadows,
always reaching the woods,
before me…
Turning back,
you call me on -
Safe passage,
keep up, it’s okay
little sister!

Someone who had walked through this valley before once told me to expect “grief attacks” — moments, usually unexpected, when something will trigger afresh the sharpness of the loss that never goes away.

I have come to realize that the shadow will loom especially large on the days between my brother’s birthday and his deathday. The moments of memory and then loss will come close together. I will hold my kids a little closer, and hold Rich’s hand a little tighter because fear and sadness will press in close. They know I will cry more or get suddenly quiet, and listen over and over to the Boston and Eagles tapes my brother made for me.

I will, most of all, lean hard into God, who has made a way through for me, my brother…all of us. And, I will write about it all. Over the next months of blogging,some of it will show up here. Maybe it will sound familiar to someone–to you–and encouraging somehow, and this will be something gained out of loss.